3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
