he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
