I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
