it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
