you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
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