I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
