i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
