WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize