Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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