i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Randomize
