My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Randomize
