there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
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