Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize