i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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