We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
