i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
