Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
