you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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