I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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