Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
You are the jesus of drinking
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
