What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
