were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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