Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
