Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
