why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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