i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
