the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
