I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
