i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
