MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize