what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
