I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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