Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
