ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
