he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
