i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
