i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
