Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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