So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Randomize
