it glows. i had to have it.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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