My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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