..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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