When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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