Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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