you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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