just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
