imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize