my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
