Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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