so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
