I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
