also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
