From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
