I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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