I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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